Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Frightened Rabbit

Recently, during a quick visit to Salt Lake, a very good friend of mine made a very bold assertion.

After having been asked why I was not farther along in the process of getting this beast off the ground, without the slightest hesitation, I rattled off a myriad of excuses.  After all, there ARE plenty of them:

I live in California.
I work full-time as an Assistant Winemaker.
I have no money.
Numbers, no me likey...therefore, the financials portion of a business plan is REALLY annoying to me.
UTAH.  In and of itself, that is an excuse. Think about it.

But back to the bold assertion...It was this:

"Guy, you're scared."

Queue the sound of a record stopping.  Of course, I passionately disagreed with him.  In all honesty, it floored me to hear it, and for a few days, I genuinely thought I was offended by the statement.    Yet, on my flight home...I had to admit it.  This is big.  This project has been my hope and my dream for years.  When I close my eyes at night, its on the back of my eyelids.  Its going to take every single ounce of me, my creativity, my intellect, physical energy, emotional energy...I could go on, everything that I have.  The closer I get to realizing this dream, the more I feel the gravity of it.  Dammit.  He was right (don't tell him that, though).

But I've always staked the claim that fear is, in essence, evil.  And here was I, dragging my feet, making excuses, not taking this project head on, full steam, because I was scared.  Its all too easy to justify a failure to your pride, when you really only put forth half the effort.  Things don't look so bad when you didn't try all that hard, and you fall flat on your face, do they?  At least, that's what your pride would have you believe.

Ugh.  It made me sick that I fell for it.

So...I got all motivated. The financial portion of the business plan is now nearing completion.  I've also made a few more steps forward in getting out of this place that I'm in now, but now is not the time to discuss such things.  But look at me, going on with my bad self.  I know what you're thinking..."Aw snap, Evan really put on his big-boy pants and actually put some coherent numbers together?  This shiznit must really be going down."

Or something like that.

oh yeah, PS!  This post reminds me of the fact that I've been revisiting Frightened Rabbit's last album as of late, The Midnight Organ Fight.  Dirty Scots.


J.Taylor said...

Ah Snaps. This is still too vague for me to get excited.. but I like what I hear. Can't wait to hear more!

Meg said...

Love it! This is honest.

"Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."
-Pema Chodron

Still vague, in a focused sort of way!